Unopened Letter to the World

I am such a worrier. I am. I worry too damn much. 
But somehow, I think that worry and love go hand in hand...
Not that we should worry, we should trust God, trust others, and trust ourselves. However, it's easier said than done. Worry comes naturally. I don't know about you, but for me, it's extremely hard not to worry, no matter how much of an effort I make not to. 
But like I said, worry is usually rooted in Love, at least my kind of worry is. I have done a lot of thinking about worry lately, and I've realized that I worry because I've been hurt before, and because I am scared of it happening again. It would be easier to just walk away, that's the one way I could rid myself of worry, to leave, to be done, to shut myself down, to walk away and to put up walls. Then I would be done with worry. 
It may be fortunate, or unfortunate, but when you truly love someone, walking away isn't that easy. It may be smart to walk away, but when you love somebody, that pit in your stomach, those thoughts racing through your head, those dreams you dare to dream, that flame burning in your heart, it would be a shame to put it out  just to rid yourself of worry, because in the end, maybe the worry is all worth it. 
At least I hope it is. 

Have you ever wondered what the heck you are doing in life?

I wonder all the time.

What is really even important anymore? I know that a college education should be, but sometimes I feel like this place is the biggest waste of time. I enjoy some of my classes, and I am excited to earn my degree, but at the same time it's all just the same rigamarole. Everyday it's class, and sleeping, and food, homework, maybe some tv or a movie...and then the whole thing over again. I feel like I am dying here. I like the classes and the curriculum, but outside of that, there is nothing for me here. 

In high school I was so involved, so active and so busy, and here I feel like I have so much free time. I want to do somthing, I want to be busy, I want to help someone, I want to make a difference...I feel like I can't do that here.

Part of it is probobly the fact that I am stranded without a car and completely dependent on other people for transportation. That sucks. I've tried to find friends to go with me to church or youth group things that are around...but there is simply no interest what-so-ever. I'm not just looking for someone to use for rides though, I wish I had some good christian friends who I could actually hold meaningful conversations with...but instead I am forced to turn to this rediculous online journal. lol...wow...

In terms of the future, I know I should be focused on my career and on getting a good job, but honestly, that's not the number one thing on priority list, which makes it hard to put up with this lifestyle of college. I am driven to get a good job and be successfull, but for me success is not all about a good job and money. The main thing I want to do in life is get married and have kids. I want to be a wife, and later on become a mother. Words can't tell you how badly I want that, and how important it will be to me to be the best wife and mother I can be.
I want to have a good job, but there are so many other things I want to do in life...I want to help others and show God's love to the world. 

I may be earning my degree right now, but it many ways I feel like I'm just wasting time that could be better spent.
I want to make everyday count, and right now I am just going to class, and waiting for time to pass by.
 

I purposely waited for it to be after midnight to post, just to make sure that my first post wouldn't be on Valentine's Day. If my first post was on Valentine's day, then it might imply that I'm lonely on Valentine's Day, which may or may not be true, but to discuss my Valentine's Day scenerio is certainly not the point of this whole thing. However, I did do some thinking today, which lead me here, to the keyboard, to organize my thoughts and post what I've been mulling over for the past 15 hours or so...

So, over the course of the past few months I have been sporadically reading parts of this book called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It focuses how each person, whether they realize it or not, "speaks" one of five primary love languages. The five languages are:
Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch. Each of these categories is pretty self explanitory, obviously. Anyways, if the person that you are interacting with dosn't speak your primary love language, then you will probobly not feel very loved, even if the person is expressing love in on of the other ways. This is why the book discusses the importance of being able to speak each of these languages to some extent. Through reading this book I have realized that my primary love language is Words of Affirmation...and following close behind are the languages of Recieving Gifts and Quality Time.

Anyhow, today being Valentine's day and all I was thinking about how dissappointing it can be. Lots of times girls expect a guy to do somthing for them, and then he dosn't...or vice versa. Valentine's Day also spurrs jealousy in people too, when someone else gets the attention that you wish you got. Well, this got me thinking about God. If I can get so jealous or sad when a certain boy pays more attention to somthing besides me, how does God feel when pay more attention to things other than him? It says straight in the bible that our God is a jelous God...just like I might be jelous that the boy I like got someone else flowers for Valentine's day, that is how Jesus must feel when we choose to make anything more important than him. This is because of the abundance of love that God has for us.

Back to the five love languages, I was thinking about how each person speaks one of the five languages...well, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that although we as humans speak one love language primarily, God speaks all five in equal strength. God speaks all five languages, making himself as available as he can be to everyone, not just people who speak a certain love language.

Quality Time. Jesus talks about how he wants us to spend quality time with him, one and one, time in prayer each day spent talking with and listening to him. Words of Affirmation. This love language is spoken to us through the bible. Anyone looking for words of affirmation can find all the affirmation they need in God's word. We are spoken to directly in the sixty six books written to us by our Lord. Gifts. God gives us blessings in our lives each day, every good thing we see, eat, taste, expierience, these are gifts from God above. Physical Touch. Since God is not physically on earth at this time, we are unable to feel a physical touch, but Jesus is the only one who can give us an unmatchable feeling of his presence in our lives. He can comfort us and encourage us and touch our hearts in a way nobody else can. Last but not least is Acts of Service. Jesus undoubtedly performed the greatest act of service that anyone ever could...he gave his life for us. He, a sinless man, hung on a cross for our sins.

Looking closer at these love languages today and thinking about the way Jesus can speak to each of us really made me think about how big God's love for us is. Jesus loves us and cares for us and wants us to know him and his love so desperatly. I feel honored and undeserving of all the love Jesus has for me. I feel truly blessed.